well, I just got back from Conclave...and she was there (it was at the college she was taking summer courses at)...I talked to her. and she hates me. she hates my existence. it's officially over. All the hope I had during training and all the hope she gave me when we talked on the phones during training...it was for nothing. She's not even willing to be friends with me. My muse is gone. I can't write. I have no more inspiration...for she was what gave me that inspiration. I have no more reason to dream about holding her in my arms again...but I still do.

Angel had said to me, "if you're goal was on the other side of a fire, what would you do? Walk around the flames, or risk the flames and go through?"

What I did was obvious...I walked through the flames. I got hurt. and I walked back out of the flames...not singed and burnt, but simply on fire.

I cried and poured every tear and every bit of my heart onto one of my best friends...and he poured back too, so it was good for both of us. But what's most important is that my life is not going to be overwhelmed with painful lies and false hopes.

The good thing is that I stayed calm while talking to her. I stayed calm while she blew up at me telling me no, she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I just don't know if I want to be sad or angry.